Apologies if the title of this entry sounds rather dramatic…
This year I’ve had to come to terms with losing both my parents. On one hand, it’s been the most traumatic episode of my life so far (lucky for me some will say) and on the other hand I remind myself that it’s not so tragic… everyone will eventually experience the loss of both parents, it’s a natural part of life.
Perhaps the sense of tragedy is linked to the debilitating diseases both Mum and Dad suffered until their untimely deaths. They were unfairly taken from me in their 60s. Dad was only 61 and my Mum, 69. If they had peacefully died in their 80s, would I feel so bereft?
I’m a fully-fledged adult, a grown woman with a family of my own. I am incredibly grateful for the many years I had with my Mum & Dad and that they got to experience the joy of becoming grandparents and be part of my grown-up life. I was prepared for losing them (their diseases offered no cure) and I naively thought there might be some sense of ‘release’ as I played an active and often distressing role in supporting them through their illnesses. But I was not prepared for the debilitating sadness.
However settled and supposedly mature I am now, I still felt like a child when my parents were alive, especially in my Mum’s company. So now I feel like a chapter of my life is over. I am no longer a child. It is time to fully embrace adulthood without the support and unconditional love of a parent. The foundations of my life have disappeared and I am left standing alone. An orphan, I suppose.
There is most definitely a sense of aloneness. Questions no-one can now answer. Parts of me that no-one will ever know. What was I really like as a child and young adult? I regret not being more inquisitive to gain a better understanding of not only myself, but the essence of my Mum & Dad and our family dynamic. I don’t fully trust my own recollections…
Then the pendulum that carries my feelings will sometimes swing the complete opposite way and I chastise myself for wallowing in self-pity. The death of our parents is all part of this process we call life. And there are far more tragic losses that people will unfortunately experience; the loss of a child being the absolute, unbearable, worst. And I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to lose parents as children or young adults.
So looking forward, I have my memories (however patchy) and those of close family and friends to share and take comfort in. I have the support and love of those close to me to help me through the bleaker days. There is a slight sense of freedom; I don’t have to seek parental approval (I’m not entirely sure if they would approve of this blog!!!) There’s just me and my little family to take care of now; they have my undivided attention.
I know there’s lots to learn from this episode in my life, hopefully it will make me stronger. I may seek more professional help to get me get through it, to process the emotions effectively. I’ll keep you posted on my progress and the journey it takes me on… but I’d welcome any advice, guidance or similar experiences you may have had. As always, please share X
9 comments
Hugs and kisses from me to you x
Thanks Claire! X
Claire you write so beautifully and have me in tears! You are so incredibly strong, I have no idea how I’d cope in your shoes. Although we are not that close, as always, you know where I am if you ever need any support. xxx
Thank you Julia X
Hey
Sending you a hug
It’s been a long long while
Xx
Hi Vicky, Lovely to hear from you. Hope all is well with you? X
I totally feel where your coming from having lost both my parents, my mother 5 years ago and my father only 3 months ago. My sisters and I were only discussing the fact that we are now orphans in our late 30s and early forties and now have to become grown ups over night but what really hit home was when my new passport arrived and I stared to fill in my next of kin and had to stop myself when I nearly filled out my fathers name, the tears rolled as I realised I was now orphaned. I have definitely taken the death of my father harder I guess it’s because we had our father to support after mum passed and I took on the roll of dealing with his house, finances etc but since he passed I have this feeling of emptiness that I can’t seem to fill. I have a wonderful family that support and I’m sure in time the pain with ease and my emptiness will be filled again .
Hi Rachel
Thank you for your heartfelt response to this post.
I totally empathise with the emptiness you are currently feeling… Like with your Dad, I managed everything for Mum especially in the last year of her illness and now there is a gaping hole, which I naively thought would be liberating… but of course it’s far from it.
I guess we just have to try to fill the empty space with something positive; spending time with family & friends, working on ourselves, trying out new ventures.. It’s what they would have wanted.
X
P.S. I have emailed you are more detailed, personal reply.
Beautifully written Claire. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling, but, you’re doing something very positive, and I hope that writing about your thoughts and feelings helps you through this difficult time. xx