A heartfelt Happy New Year to all my lovely Club Forty readers.
Whether you saw in the New Year amidst the sound of party poppers and ‘Auld Lang Syne’, or snuggled on the sofa with your nearest and dearest, or perhaps went to bed well before the stroke of midnight – I hope you had a good one.
Before I begin, a word of warning; this isn’t going to be a positive, New Year resolution filled, let’s-grab-2017-and-kick-some-ass-type post. So you might like to stop reading now.
Before I can embrace 2017 with any kind of aplomb, I need to shake off the dark cloud that seems to be following me right now. So I am selfishly going to write this post as a way to dissect and process the melancholic state I find myself in. I hope it may help those of you who are feeling as similarly low as we embark upon the New Year.
So the decs are packed away, the festive frivolities are firmly behind us and we are already at the second week of 2017. And yet I haven’t written a single resolution or goal, which is very unlike me as I am a big list writer and I usually love to look forward and make plans.
Plus I am exhausted. Proper tired and somewhat apathetic. My head feels like it’s in a quagmire and I cannot seem to focus on anything.
It could simply be the massive come-down after the whirlwind that was the festive season. Like most Mum’s, I hardly stopped; running from event to event; ticking off grocery and present lists on the way; hosting drinks, dinners and keeping everyone happy from extended family to kids bouncing off the walls with excitement and sugar highs.
But for me, it’s more than the usual January blues. The whole festive period is sandwiched on either side by sad anniversaries. The anniversary of my Mum’s death on 6 December and of my Dad’s death on 6 January. As most of you know, I recently lost them to horrific, debilitating diseases… they were both only in their 60s.
Whilst Christmas is a welcome distraction, I cannot deny the added effort it now takes me to get into the festive spirit. It is the time of year, aside from birthdays, when lost loved ones are most acutely remembered and missed, so I am sure many of you will relate to this. The second Christmas without my Mum (and Dad), was hard. Their absences fully hit home with a violent kick to my stomach and stab to my heart. I now realise that last year I was operating on auto-pilot.
My Mum and Dad loved any kind of occasion, but especially Christmas and New Year. They loved being with family and friends and fully revelled in the opportunity to eat, drink and be merry. I am determined to immerse myself in the merriment, to continue their traditions and create happy memories as they would have wanted… and I do, on the face of it, at least.
This is what causes the exhaustion. Putting on the brave face, the big smile… when really all I want to do it crawl into bed and shut everything and everyone out. It’s incredibly tiring. Mr Club Forty says I should just do that sometimes, leave the room and go hide under my duvet. But I can’t. I don’t want to give in to it. So I soldier on… just like my Mum did all the way through hers any my Dad’s illnesses.
We are lucky to have established a tradition where we go away with good friends for New Year. Being away from home, in great company certainly helps to sweep the sadness a bit further under the carpet. But it’s a short term fix. Now I’m back to reality and the harsh reminder that my parents are no longer around.
So now, here I am, at the start of 2017 feeling quite cheerless and generally… shit.
I am doing all the right things. I started back at yoga last week; went for a run at the weekend; I am cooking healthy dinners and embracing dry January. But my head is still in the doldrums and my heart is heavy. Perhaps I ought to book a holiday for January next year and jet off with my family somewhere hot? Would this help or would it just delay the blues?
Or do I simply need to connect to, and accept these sombre feelings and work through them? Open up, talk… and talk more. This may sound easy to do, but I am pretty rubbish at facing up to and dealing with my emotions. Sweeping stuff under the carpet is a legacy I have inherited from my parents.
If I set myself one goal for the New Year, it should be to be honest with myself and others about how I really feel.
Wow, so there you have it. I have at least concluded this post with my first resolution! Things are looking up. The next step should be to make some plans and set some goals. I just need to get my head straight and find some energy… Please send some my way!
If you relate to any of the content in this post, then I hope I have let you know that you are most certainly not alone. January blues, I am reliably informed, are quite normal and now a recognised health complaint. The degree in which they hit however, and the person’s ability to manage them, is the concern.
If you have any experience or advice to share, then I would love to hear from you.
Apologies for the dispirited tone of this post. I promise that the next one will be a lot lighter!
Lots of love X
24 comments
Wow what an honest post @clubforty and this is why this blog will lead you to huge success.
I hope that writing this has helped off load a little and if not, l agree share your feelings with those that care, because lots do xxx
Thank you Sam xxxx
It has definitely been therapeutic to write about. I find it easier to ‘put pen to paper’ to work through my feelings…
This post demonstrates what a strong and brave person you are – it takes real strength to let down your guard, open up and share your feelings. Like Sam says, don’t forget to talk when you need to; so many people care so much xxx PS I agree with Mr. Club Forty, that sometimes it’s ok to have a duvet day – acknowledging how you feel usually helps to make things better.
Thank you Amy xxxx
I always think that no-one wants to hear my woes… myself included!!! So the blog is a good outlet. I just hope readers don’t mind a downbeat post now and again!
Wow this is a great post and I hear what you’re saying. I would say that it doesn’t ever hurt to tell anyone how you are feeling, I’m a talker and find that’s a coping mechanism for me, but writing it down is just as good and you do it so well. I think it’s always good to be open about how you feel and hey if you need to crawl under the duvet sometimes, then just do it! Much love xxx
Thank you Julie X
I now realise that the first challenge I need to overcome is being open and honest to myself!
Well done Claire for being so honest and open, I know this time of year is difficult for you.
But it’s good to talk about what you are feeling and getting it out. You have lots of support around you who care and will always listen. I have to agree with Mr Club Forty too, don’t be too hard on yourself Xx
Thanks Nikki ♥ I know you are always there for me and it means A LOT X
I hate January. The post holiday come down and the misery of berating yourself for doing all the things you enjoy. Darkness and cold make it harder to get up and out to work in the mornings and more difficult to get out and exercise in the evenings. Having lost one parent to a debilitating disease I really feel for you. I can’t imagine being without my mum despite being 44. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to try to fend off the blues. Maybe allow yourself to be a bit miserable sometimes. Xx
Thanks for your supportive comment Louise, and very sorry to hear that you lost your Dad. X
Claire, I hate January and February! The only thing that keeps me going is my birthday in January. I think we need to walk and talk and shake off these blues, loving your blog whether it is positive or negative, it is honest, from the ❤️️ And very well written. Much love, your parents would be very proud. I miss your lovely mum next door and so do Alice and Henry xx
Thank you Claire for your lovely comments – brought a few tears to my eyes X
What a great post Claire, hopefully writing this may have helped you a little. It is really good to talk about and share your feelings, (says the person who finds it difficult to do just that!!) You have so many people who really care about you and are always there to listen. I think you have made a Fantastic start in writing about it, which I am sure will be a great help to others. You try to be so strong, but sometimes you need to give yourself a break/duvet day. Xxx
Thanks Isatu ♥ I feel truly blessed to have so many lovely friends around me X
You’re so strong and cheerful. I miss your mum and dad and especially at Christmas too so can only imagine how hard it hits you. Love you lots and we’re here with you. If you want to hide under the duvet, we’ll amuse the kids any day. You’re the best xxx
Thanks Jane, I love having you in my life! ♥
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Wow – that must have been a tough one to write Claire. You know you have so many people around you who are there to listen to you whenever you need them – whether they are around the corner or in a different county. Now don’t laugh, but what I have started doing each morning is putting my headphones on, putting some really upbeat music on and dancing around the kitchen for about 10 mins….not only is this a really good mini workout, it does make you feel differently 🙂 Sending lots of love xxxx
Funnily enough Claire, it wasn’t that tough at all. Once I started writing, it flowed… I obviously needed to get it out of my system. It’s always a worry to hit the ‘publish’ button though!!!!
I love your kitchen-dancing tactic X
Such a brave and honest post Claire – thank you for sharing. . I hope it helped you after going through such a tough time.. It certainly gave me food for thought. I still find Christmas very hard and I lost mum 11 years ago so I can’t imagine what it is like for you :(.
Be kind to yourself: Set realistic expectations of yourself (we are our own worst enemies sometimes!) Sending lots of love xx
Hi Gaynor, lovely to hear from you and thank you so much for your kind comments. I can’t believe it’s been 11 years since you lost your Mum. I can remember that incredibly sad time well… Life isn’t fair, is it? I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I am still trying to work this one out…?
Such an honest post Claire and so brave of you bare your inner most feelings. Like you I find it easier to write about my feelings rather than talk about them – I often put pen to paper when I’m upset or angry rather than face up to my feelings and talk about it. I’m sure your post will help others feeling similarly as well as being beneficial to you. You have so many friends who care and who are willing to listen when you do want to talk but it’s also ok to hide away occasionally if that’s what you need and not feel the need to always be strong. xxx
Thank you Julia ♥
Reading this in 2023, after celebrating the 2nd Christmas without my beautiful mother. Five years later, it is like you’re in my head. New starts and clean skates and blah blah blah…I mostly want to go backwards and have another day with my mom. The January blues. Never knew they were a thing. Now I’m feeling quite known and less alone in the meh of a month. Thank you!